Weekend Wits -- April 22

1) Selena Gomez stated that the most humiliating thing ever to happen to her was being shown on the Kiss Cam with boyfriend Justin Beiber.
2A) It seems to me that tripping upstairs or walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe would be more embarrassing than kissing your millionaire boyfriend.

or

2B)Wouldn't posting a video on YouTube for millions of viewers while dancing to Call Me Maybe be more humiliating than kissing your boyfriend?

In honor of Earth Day, I put my paper into the recycling. Turns out, there was food in the bin, so it all was thrown out anyways.

Bill O'Reilly took issue with Glee after this Tuesday's episode which featured a male to female transgender student and two cheerleaders making a sex tape together, saying that Glee encourages children to experiment in alternative lifestyles. What's more devastating is that since the first season, there has been a report about the increase in the amount of children experimenting with wheelchairs and argyle sweaters.

This week, Bill O'Reilly and his guest, Gretchen Carlson, discussed their idea that watching Glee episodes that contain gay and transgender students might encourage children to experiment with alternative lifestyles. Carlson stated, "Now I get to explain this to my 8-year-old, if I want her to see a nice family show with some nice music." Nice music? Apparently she never saw their renditions of Madonna songs.

In honor of Earth Day, the festivities of a residence hall's End of Little 5 celebration only wasted the amount of water to fill one dunk tank, all of the plastic and paper plates from the cookout, and the electricity that ran a bouncy bungee run that only about 20 people used--for four hours.

An Australian Target ad is either hiring models with three arms or Thing from The Addams Family is getting some work on the side of the musical. http://i.imgur.com/Xfc9c.jpg

Robin Gibb woke up from his coma after one week. His first words were, "Stayin' alive. ah-ah-ah-ah. Stayin' Aliiive."

A Wake Forest University research team found that the left-side of a face is typically more attractive than the right-side. Carried over to politics, one can generally say the same. The exception: Ronald Reagan.

In honor of Earth Day, everyone went on with their usual business, not realizing that today is Earth Day.

Thought You Should Know

This is my first posting of jokes I've written online, ever. These sprung from articles I've read in the past few weeks. Good? Bad? I had fun writing them.

1) Researchers in Japan have created augmented reality glasses, which alter how a person's mind understands the food they eat. Created for dieters, the glasses make the brain think the food being eaten is larger than the actual size.
2A) The head inventor confessed his actual reasoning to create the glasses was for his wife. She doesn't need to diet, but he needs all the enlarging help he can get.

or

2B) The glasses not only work on food, but also body parts. "Great!" says all Asian men with penises.

The Huffington Post wrote an article about a lizard which resembles Spiderman because of its red and blue coloring. What's surprising is that its enemy is a green lizard that rides on a hover board and throws exploding balls. What's not surprising is that comic book enthusiasts have this lizard as a pet and name it Peter Parker.

A lawsuit was filed by 5 same-sex couples against a section of DOMA that prohibits immigration rights to same-sex couples. Those 5 same-sex couples are all legally married, but one partner is a US citizen and the other is a foreign national. If this is brought up in court, the defense will most likely argue that DOMA protects hair stylist and interior designer jobs for qualified, gay men already in America from being taken by their foreign partners.

What do you mean Little 500 is a bike race? I thought that was Cee Lo Green's nick name.

Kanye and Kim Kardashian are rumored to be dating. My money's on Kanye saying, "Kim, imma let you finish, but Amber Rose did it better," in their yet-to-be-released sex tape.

After Santorum ended his run for presidency, his spokesperson, Hogan Gidley stated, "We needed Newt to step aside a long time ago." This was not in reference to the presidential race, but to Gingrich blocking every doorway he stands in front of.

The increase of Bunny Cafes in Japan is problematic. For people who don't know, a Bunny Cafe is a coffee place that has bunnies roaming inside, which patrons can pet. There is now an increase of people complaining that there's a hare in their coffee. Also, apparently there are Reptile Cafes, which leads to the bigger problem of people finding snakes in their muffins.

1) Researchers are building robot prostitutes to substitute human prostitutes. These robots will be able to do everything from giving massages to lap dances to intercourse. 

2A) Although, I don't know how erotic a 70s era dance move would be on your junk.

or

2B) The primary downside is having to listen to the Styx song "Mr. Roboto" during every lap dance.

April Fool's Day--I'm starting a blog!

Today is a fabulous day. The day where the joke-ster side comes out of everyone and wreaks havoc on the world. Well, at the very least, some people have a nice chuckle. So, for the start of my "comedic" blog, and because it is April Fool's Day, I will recount some of my favorite, personal pranks. [The following post won't contain much self-created humor, but hopefully my future posts will]

When I was 6, I discovered the wonderful day that is April Fool's. I gathered my 2 best friends, playing on the "big tree" (our favorite past-time) and pretending our bikes were ice-cream trucks. Breaking my prank-virginity hymen, for the next car that would pass by, I would pretend to have fallen off my bike--you know, the usual stuff like crying, grabbing my knee, and whimpering (a pretty immature and under-developed prank, but nonetheless awesome for a 6 year old). Since there was a large gap in age of the children, we had a high-school aged girl on the street who would babysit us youngin's. The high-school girl was coming home from school and saw me on the side of the street. As a good actress at the age of 6, she believed that I had broken my leg--apparently, she wasn't the type of person cut out for med-school. She ran up to me and almost called an ambulance. I'd say that was a successful prank.

Around 12, I used a pre-made prank from a joke book I received as a present from my best-friend forever--by high school, we were more like acquaintances. I put black electrical tape around the sink-spray. When the sink was turned on, the spray was active and would get the unsuspecting sink-user soaked. My mom was not happy.
Sidenote: The results are like a mini wet t-shirt contest, so it'd be perfect for a frat party [Feel free to use this next year] --> Also, I take no responsibility for the events that occur afterwards.

Of all the pranks I've pulled, the one I'm most proud of involved my 8th grade social studies teacher. It was the time of year when grades were being posted, and I asked my teacher if she could make-up a fake gradebook for me, assigning me all F's and D's, that I could turn in to my mom. Back in the day, my mom was a stereotypical Asian mom who would ground me for getting a B+. I made sure to print off a legit copy of my grades, though, so that I wouldn't be beaten.

Since those happened so long ago, it's ok for me to write them online. However, the pranks of the past 7 or so years are currently confidential. [And my creativity has since dwindled, which isn't saying much]

Heck, this will probably be my last post ever on this blog, since I can't come up with anything better anyways. And I'm lazy. Happy April Fool's Day!