How to Write an "I never go to class, but can I have your notes?" Email.

Finals week is upon college students. A semester's worth of late-night studying and writing will be over in one seemingly endless week. Sure, some students have no finals this week. A few have only one before Wednesday. Other students have six finals and final papers to turn in. This student will not wrap-up finals before Friday. Finals week is when the worst and the best of us comes out to finish off the semester.

Understandably, the average college student will not obtain perfect attendance due to a variety of reasons: illness, tragedy, sleep-deprivation, or a combination of all three (for the 21+ crowd in Bloomington, I blame Kilroy's). When a student misses a class, the student might check with a class friend about any missed material. If said student has no class friends who can help, then often an email is sent out to the entire class to see if one willing classmate will share notes.

Wanna Join the Pen-15 Club?

Three weeks ago, my three week program in London ended (currently going through London withdrawal). I stayed a couple more days, so it hasn't been a complete three weeks since I was in the UK, but it sure feels like I visited three years ago. I've been reflecting on my time abroad, and I realized that even though I was only there a relatively short time, I learned a lot, and I learned something really important.

England is obsessed with penises.

Thought You Should Know July 7-11th

It was reported this week that Justin Beiber was pulled over in LA by police, which was pretty embarrassing for Justin, because the reason the officer pulled him over was that he thought a 12 year old was driving the car.

The Hunger Games book trilogy is going to be made into four movies, as Lionsgate announced that the last book, “Mockingjay” will be split into two films. This really is terrific news, because today’s society, where children are reportedly more violent, really needs more movies that involve a game where kids violently kill each other.

During a performance in the UK, Rihanna's wardrobe malfunctioned according to some media outlets. Although, I’m pretty sure this “malfunction” only revealed just as much skin, or less, as Rihanna’s attire normally does.

During a performance in the UK, Rihanna suffered from a wardrobe malfunction, which begs the question, “Was ‘Where Have You Been’ a song for a better costume designer?”

A study conducted by the University of Wisconsin found that the amount of time spent on Facebook is not linked to causing depression. The study's sample, however, did not include people who post song lyrics from Adele or “like” The Notebook and are listed as "single."

On July 18^th, the world will celebrate the first photograph ever that was posted on the internet. Fortunately, the picture was not of male genitalia or lolcats. Unfortunately, it is proof that the 90s need never return.

Alice Van Ness was fired from her job as a yoga instructor at Facebook’s Menlo Park campus. Van Ness discouraged the use of smart phones in her class. In Facebook’s defense, the firing is justifable, because students were unable to check-in to their location when updating their status to, “Totally focused on yoga. Learning the acrobatic half-moon pose. Namaste” while simultaneously uploading a photo.

Adam Lambert is reportedly a contender for a potential job as a judge on American Idol. I’m just glad the show’s getting back to its roots and finding a judge who will both wear a too-tight black T-shirt and behave in such a way that confuses people.

A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for breaking into a Subway restaurant and stealing bags of chips. Police found the man by following a trail of chips that he had dropped. In the man’s defense, he was really affected by the Hansel and Gretel episode of “Once Upon A Time.”

In Wisconsin, after a waitress brought a man a piece of cake on his birthday at the request of his friends to cheer him up, the man pulled a gun out and told them to “back up off me.” In the man’s defense, he was depressed because he just found out he has celiac disease.

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Writer's note: Apparently, I'm in a defensive mood this week.

Excuses, excuses.

You know my first ever post on this blog? No? Well, just scroll down an inch, and you can read it. You know how I said that the first post might be the last post I’d ever write, because I’m lazy? You do? Good. Well, it wasn’t my last post, but I only wrote four before going on an extended hiatus. Sure, I could make excuses, such as: “I realized I should go into a career with more stability like farming” or “I was studying abroad in London for three weeks,” or “My dog ate my computer,” or “I was taking time to reflect on my upcoming last year in college.” You know what, though? I’m just lazy.

Not “lazy” in a sense that I won’t ever do anything, ever, because I’d rather sit on the couch, watching TV, drinking syrupy beverages and eating salty snacks (although, that does sound like some sort of life I’d be interested in). More “lazy” in a sense that I want to do something, but get so overwhelmed at the amount of dedication it takes that I sort of fall out of doing it and that sitting in front of a TV is better—well, easier--and I can use the excuse that I can study the directing, cinematography, and dialogue of shows on a certain streaming service that I should have cancelled months ago.

I’m the type of person who tried to write in a diary when I was younger, wrote a few entries (four, maybe), and never opened it again. In fact, I had six or so diaries that I began, spread out across a decade or so. My problem, I thought, was that I didn’t have a cute enough diary—I’d invested in this hard bound journal, on which the cover was a golden retriever puppy, and I couldn’t bring myself to defile such a cute diary with pen or pencil. So, I got a “COMPOSITION” book (the black and white, army design un-spiraled notebook). I even got this really schnazy, electronic diary that only opened on the password I made up and to the sound of my voice. The only problem was that it was purple. Gross.

Long story short, I found out that it wasn’t the type of notebook I bought that kept me from filling its pages with countless, super-interesting happenings of the day (think: Dear Diary, today I managed to learn how to pop a front-wheelie on my bicycle).

Too bad I never consistently wrote in them, because I could be reading some gems right now.

But, you know what? I never had anything interesting to write. And, honestly, I don’t care about what the 6, 10, 14, or 16-year old version of me thought was important. I’m pretty sure I can remember that I thought Kevin from the Backstreet Boys was “HOTT” and that instant messaging was like, totally cool beans.

This isn’t to suggest that I have anything interesting to write in this time of day or that I’ll be reading them 10 years from now, reflecting on what I thought was funny or entertaining when I was 21 years old. But, I want to do it. And I’m going to do it--even if it takes two months between every four posts. By golly, I’m going to do it.

Now, where the hell is the remote?

Thought You Should Know -- May 7

Finals week is over, and summer has begun. This means, at least for the month of May, I will be posting on this blog more frequently (fingers crossed). Unfortunately, that does not mean the material will be any better. Here is a handful of jokes I came up with.

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The cat that became famous for weighing 39 pounds passed away on Saturday, May 5th. Apparently the cat had been used as a figure in the fight against pet obesity. Which begs the question, "Why couldn't the cat have been used as a model of pet weight loss?" Instead, they chose to continue feeding the cat whole milk, not skim.

A woman tweeted the amazing discovery that an iPad charger can be used as a bottle opener. So, if you're ever looking for something more expensive than a $2 bottle opener meant for this sort of thing, or a knife, or the side of a table, then go ahead and crack open your Miller Light with a $30 electronic.

A woman tweeted that she discovered that an iPad charger can be used as a bottle opener. So, the next time you're opening your Bud with a regular bottle opener, remember that you could be honoring Steve Jobs by opening your cheap beer with a revolutionary Apple product.

On Monday, May 7, Huffington Post posted a slideshow titled, "TV Redheads: The 19 Most Awesome Gingers." Denied titles include, "19 TV Characters Without Souls," "19 TV Characters You Want to Ask If Their Carpet Matches Their Drapes," and "19 TV Characters Whose Favorite Drink is Gingerale."

James Cameron announced that he is going to focus on making new Avatar movies--citing that he's making Avatar 2, Avatar 3, and maybe even Avatar 4. After this news, it is clear that Cameron is going to reach into other Disney storylines, because there is only one Pocahontas sequel. 

The Avengers did well in its opening weekend, pulling in 207 million dollars. So, rest well, nerds, knowing you have secured all top 5 spots in the biggest weekends at the box office.

Weekend Wits -- April 22

1) Selena Gomez stated that the most humiliating thing ever to happen to her was being shown on the Kiss Cam with boyfriend Justin Beiber.
2A) It seems to me that tripping upstairs or walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe would be more embarrassing than kissing your millionaire boyfriend.

or

2B)Wouldn't posting a video on YouTube for millions of viewers while dancing to Call Me Maybe be more humiliating than kissing your boyfriend?

In honor of Earth Day, I put my paper into the recycling. Turns out, there was food in the bin, so it all was thrown out anyways.

Bill O'Reilly took issue with Glee after this Tuesday's episode which featured a male to female transgender student and two cheerleaders making a sex tape together, saying that Glee encourages children to experiment in alternative lifestyles. What's more devastating is that since the first season, there has been a report about the increase in the amount of children experimenting with wheelchairs and argyle sweaters.

This week, Bill O'Reilly and his guest, Gretchen Carlson, discussed their idea that watching Glee episodes that contain gay and transgender students might encourage children to experiment with alternative lifestyles. Carlson stated, "Now I get to explain this to my 8-year-old, if I want her to see a nice family show with some nice music." Nice music? Apparently she never saw their renditions of Madonna songs.

In honor of Earth Day, the festivities of a residence hall's End of Little 5 celebration only wasted the amount of water to fill one dunk tank, all of the plastic and paper plates from the cookout, and the electricity that ran a bouncy bungee run that only about 20 people used--for four hours.

An Australian Target ad is either hiring models with three arms or Thing from The Addams Family is getting some work on the side of the musical. http://i.imgur.com/Xfc9c.jpg

Robin Gibb woke up from his coma after one week. His first words were, "Stayin' alive. ah-ah-ah-ah. Stayin' Aliiive."

A Wake Forest University research team found that the left-side of a face is typically more attractive than the right-side. Carried over to politics, one can generally say the same. The exception: Ronald Reagan.

In honor of Earth Day, everyone went on with their usual business, not realizing that today is Earth Day.

Thought You Should Know

This is my first posting of jokes I've written online, ever. These sprung from articles I've read in the past few weeks. Good? Bad? I had fun writing them.

1) Researchers in Japan have created augmented reality glasses, which alter how a person's mind understands the food they eat. Created for dieters, the glasses make the brain think the food being eaten is larger than the actual size.
2A) The head inventor confessed his actual reasoning to create the glasses was for his wife. She doesn't need to diet, but he needs all the enlarging help he can get.

or

2B) The glasses not only work on food, but also body parts. "Great!" says all Asian men with penises.

The Huffington Post wrote an article about a lizard which resembles Spiderman because of its red and blue coloring. What's surprising is that its enemy is a green lizard that rides on a hover board and throws exploding balls. What's not surprising is that comic book enthusiasts have this lizard as a pet and name it Peter Parker.

A lawsuit was filed by 5 same-sex couples against a section of DOMA that prohibits immigration rights to same-sex couples. Those 5 same-sex couples are all legally married, but one partner is a US citizen and the other is a foreign national. If this is brought up in court, the defense will most likely argue that DOMA protects hair stylist and interior designer jobs for qualified, gay men already in America from being taken by their foreign partners.

What do you mean Little 500 is a bike race? I thought that was Cee Lo Green's nick name.

Kanye and Kim Kardashian are rumored to be dating. My money's on Kanye saying, "Kim, imma let you finish, but Amber Rose did it better," in their yet-to-be-released sex tape.

After Santorum ended his run for presidency, his spokesperson, Hogan Gidley stated, "We needed Newt to step aside a long time ago." This was not in reference to the presidential race, but to Gingrich blocking every doorway he stands in front of.

The increase of Bunny Cafes in Japan is problematic. For people who don't know, a Bunny Cafe is a coffee place that has bunnies roaming inside, which patrons can pet. There is now an increase of people complaining that there's a hare in their coffee. Also, apparently there are Reptile Cafes, which leads to the bigger problem of people finding snakes in their muffins.

1) Researchers are building robot prostitutes to substitute human prostitutes. These robots will be able to do everything from giving massages to lap dances to intercourse. 

2A) Although, I don't know how erotic a 70s era dance move would be on your junk.

or

2B) The primary downside is having to listen to the Styx song "Mr. Roboto" during every lap dance.

April Fool's Day--I'm starting a blog!

Today is a fabulous day. The day where the joke-ster side comes out of everyone and wreaks havoc on the world. Well, at the very least, some people have a nice chuckle. So, for the start of my "comedic" blog, and because it is April Fool's Day, I will recount some of my favorite, personal pranks. [The following post won't contain much self-created humor, but hopefully my future posts will]

When I was 6, I discovered the wonderful day that is April Fool's. I gathered my 2 best friends, playing on the "big tree" (our favorite past-time) and pretending our bikes were ice-cream trucks. Breaking my prank-virginity hymen, for the next car that would pass by, I would pretend to have fallen off my bike--you know, the usual stuff like crying, grabbing my knee, and whimpering (a pretty immature and under-developed prank, but nonetheless awesome for a 6 year old). Since there was a large gap in age of the children, we had a high-school aged girl on the street who would babysit us youngin's. The high-school girl was coming home from school and saw me on the side of the street. As a good actress at the age of 6, she believed that I had broken my leg--apparently, she wasn't the type of person cut out for med-school. She ran up to me and almost called an ambulance. I'd say that was a successful prank.

Around 12, I used a pre-made prank from a joke book I received as a present from my best-friend forever--by high school, we were more like acquaintances. I put black electrical tape around the sink-spray. When the sink was turned on, the spray was active and would get the unsuspecting sink-user soaked. My mom was not happy.
Sidenote: The results are like a mini wet t-shirt contest, so it'd be perfect for a frat party [Feel free to use this next year] --> Also, I take no responsibility for the events that occur afterwards.

Of all the pranks I've pulled, the one I'm most proud of involved my 8th grade social studies teacher. It was the time of year when grades were being posted, and I asked my teacher if she could make-up a fake gradebook for me, assigning me all F's and D's, that I could turn in to my mom. Back in the day, my mom was a stereotypical Asian mom who would ground me for getting a B+. I made sure to print off a legit copy of my grades, though, so that I wouldn't be beaten.

Since those happened so long ago, it's ok for me to write them online. However, the pranks of the past 7 or so years are currently confidential. [And my creativity has since dwindled, which isn't saying much]

Heck, this will probably be my last post ever on this blog, since I can't come up with anything better anyways. And I'm lazy. Happy April Fool's Day!