Twitter Feud: Pumpkin Spice Latte vs. Apple Cider

Happy Fall, everyone!

Note: The above Twitter handles are not legitimate (maybe they are, but they aren't for these drinks). If they are, my use of the handles in no way indicates any support or such of their tweets, etc.

What Your RA Says: Beginning of the Year Versus End of the Year

I was an RA for two years and worked at the residence halls for three. Many of my friends are also RAs and are still RAs. From early morning lockouts to late night duty shifts, my RA friends and I have said many things, but our meaning did not always match our words. Sometimes the meaning will change depending on the time of day. The meaning of "Can I help you?" changes dramatically as the school year progresses from beginning of the year (BOTY) to end of the year (EOTY). Here are a sampling:

Can I help you?

BOTY: I'm here to help with all of your problems and answer any questions and I'm just so excited to be here and I really hope I can be of assistance.

EOTY: I'm just going to point to where you need to go or have you speak to someone else.

I hope you'll come to the program this Thursday.

BOTY: I put so much time and effort in planning and organizing this, so if you don't show up, I'm going to take it personally.

EOTY: I know you're not going to come, but there will be free food anyways so that I don't have to eat the dorm food.

I don't care if you drink alcohol, just don't drink in the dorms.

BOTY: Guys, I want you to think I'm cool and on your side. College is a new experience, and I know you're going to experiment, but if I'm definitely going to make you pour out that unopened bottle of Maker's Mark.

EOTY: I'm going to ignore everything I hear coming from your room to the greatest extent that I can.

Feel free to knock on my door.

BOTY: Come in anytime. We'll talk, hangout, or discuss anything you want. I'm here for you.

EOTY: Feel free to knock on my door, because I won't be in there anyways. Sucker.

I'm going to need to see your ID.

BOTY: I'm so disappointed in you. I really hope you learn from this.

EOTY: Awesome. Now I have to write paperwork. You're on my list.

Hi, (insert name).

BOTY: Hi, person whose name I can remember, thank goodness, or else this would have been awkward.

EOTY: Hi, person whose name I know, because you are either always receiving mail or getting in trouble or are my favorite resident.

Do you want some free pizza?

BOTY: I want you to like me!

EOTY: I want you to like me!

A Carnival Ride and Its Party-Goer Equivalent

This college year is just starting. For the freshman out there or those who aren't sure of the workings of a college party, here is a useful guide in terms that might help your understanding. I've compiled your guide to party-goers and the carnival rides they resemble.

Ferris Wheel: Host of the Party

The ferris wheel is the staple of the carnival. You can't have a carnival without having a host. The host will greet guests coming and going in a never ending rotation through the end of the night. The host will keep going as long as people are there.

Tilt-A-Whirl: Girl Who Suggests Shots

If you hangout with her, you'll either have an awesome time or will be cleaning vomit out of your hair afterwards. She wants everyone to blackout, so she'll make every twist and turn to get you to not remember which way is left and right.

Bumper Cars: Clumsy Drunk

Bumper cars, much like the clumsy drunk, is a classic and is not going away any time soon. Just expect her to be there. No party is complete without the clumsy drunk.

Fun Slide: Guy Who Pre-Gamed Too Hard

He arrives at the party wasted, and so he will quickly reach the end of his night. Sure, there will be some minor plateaus during his rapid decline to the floor, but mostly his evening will be a short experience.

Water Shooting Game: Sober Sally

I know. This is a lame game that nobody really enjoys, but everyone's played it at least once. The person who does enjoy the game will not shut up about it, and all night long you'll be hearing about how much fun you can have even without getting on the bigger rides.

Pirate Ship: People Playing Beer Pong (or any drinking game)

This group will get as many people as possible to binge drink with them. Everyone will have their hands in the air, cheering and shouting. The group has its highs and lows throughout the tournament. As soon as the game is over, everyone will go off to find something else to do.

Swing Around: Guy Who is High

He's really chill and relaxed. When you get on the swings, you are up in the air and think you can see to the ends of the Earth, but you can't. Everyone's reaction on this ride is different. Some get scared and paranoid that something will go wrong. Others can't get enough of the feeling. There's not much to this ride.

Junk Food Truck: Guy Who Always Orders Pizza

You probably ate before you got to the party, but this guy thinks it's necessary to buy ten large pizzas. Everyone wants this person around, but also doesn't want this person around. Because this person is around, you'll inevitable eat something greasy and deep-fried by the end of the night.

Best and Worst: Living the Big City Life

I have only lived in New York City for a couple of months, but already I have some opinions on it. Here are the best and the worst thus far--the list is not comprehensive, but it should give you a general understanding. 

The Best:

Photo found on Google image search

People-watching on the subway is nearly as good as people-watching at the airport. Once I saw a man with a haircut straight out of a Japanese samurai movie. The man I saw was not Japanese. Nor was he a samurai. Let's leave these hairstyles for anime, mkay? Thanks. (Although I don't mean to stereotype Japanese people or limit this hairstyle to only Japanese people. Everyone should never have this hair. Exception: those in samurai movies.)

One Month

One month and four days ago, I graduated Indiana University and said goodbye to many of my friends: best friends, close friends, new friends, and family friends. One month ago, I moved to the The City of Dreams and have fulfilled a few of mine: I saw Amy Poehler perform improv aaand that's about it. All in all, it's been a pretty emotional 30+ days--negative and positive. This is one of those posts that contains information to read for catch-up purposes without having to contact a lot of people individually. I love you all, and "It's been great!" just isn't cutting it.

13 Phases Before You Try Stand-Up Comedy--Detailed with Puppies!

1. You've read those great biographies of comedians...

http://i.imgur.com/12Gkkha.jpg

but now you want to make your own jokes.

2. You feel ashamed that it’s taken you this long to try that thing you always wanted to do in college.

http://i.imgur.com/rsYlJC1.jpg

You only live once.

3. Your friends think you’re the life of the party.

http://i.imgur.com/o0hM5Kc.jpg

"Hey, guys, look! I'm wearing Kevin as a hat!"

Grow Your Small Business

The following video is a final project I produced for the TV Studio Production class. A couple of weeks before the production, I pitched this project, and my classmates voted on it for a final project production. This experience of producing a project I pitched, produced, and wrote was educating and thrilling. The day of production went smoothly, and I am proud of our production. I went in with the intention that the production would parody a locally-made, poorly produced commercial for a salesman pitching to customers—the production I had in mind was an SNL-like comedy sketch. I could not have done this without the help of my classmates, and I appreciate the effort and skills of the people of my group and those of the whole class.

I was the producer of the production and organized what people would be doing, etc.—after asking for people’s input and preferences. We had a relatively clear idea of what we wanted done that day, and we worked together to set everything up. Also, during production, I noticed a lot of the people laughing, and they seemed to have a good time during the shoot. This was a great relief in terms of the production being funny and fun to shoot.

Overall, I appreciated the opportunity to produce a comedy sketch that I pitched and wrote, which is something I am interested in doing as a career.

If I could produce this again, the aspect of the production I would change is the graphics. I envisioned this as a locally, poorly produced commercial parody, but the graphics look as though we did not put in much effort. Well-made graphics would have enhanced our production while still keeping the look and feel of the sketch.

Anyways, here is the embedded video. Thanks for watching!

Spring Break: A Taste of New York City

I've grown up and lived in Fort Wayne my entire life--except that one year during which I lived in Japan and went to kindergarten. I figure it's time to try something new. In less than two months, I'll move to New York. For Spring Break, I traveled to the east coast to dip my toes in the city that never sleeps and prepare myself for the big move. I learned some things whilst doing some things.

The Metro

Never--NEVER--look at the subway advertisements. 

Actually, most of them were okay and some of them were funny.

Because of the gross ones, though, it's not worth it. Keep your eyes on the floor or in a book.

How to Write an "I never go to class, but can I have your notes?" Email.

Finals week is upon college students. A semester's worth of late-night studying and writing will be over in one seemingly endless week. Sure, some students have no finals this week. A few have only one before Wednesday. Other students have six finals and final papers to turn in. This student will not wrap-up finals before Friday. Finals week is when the worst and the best of us comes out to finish off the semester.

Understandably, the average college student will not obtain perfect attendance due to a variety of reasons: illness, tragedy, sleep-deprivation, or a combination of all three (for the 21+ crowd in Bloomington, I blame Kilroy's). When a student misses a class, the student might check with a class friend about any missed material. If said student has no class friends who can help, then often an email is sent out to the entire class to see if one willing classmate will share notes.

Wanna Join the Pen-15 Club?

Three weeks ago, my three week program in London ended (currently going through London withdrawal). I stayed a couple more days, so it hasn't been a complete three weeks since I was in the UK, but it sure feels like I visited three years ago. I've been reflecting on my time abroad, and I realized that even though I was only there a relatively short time, I learned a lot, and I learned something really important.

England is obsessed with penises.

Thought You Should Know July 7-11th

It was reported this week that Justin Beiber was pulled over in LA by police, which was pretty embarrassing for Justin, because the reason the officer pulled him over was that he thought a 12 year old was driving the car.

The Hunger Games book trilogy is going to be made into four movies, as Lionsgate announced that the last book, “Mockingjay” will be split into two films. This really is terrific news, because today’s society, where children are reportedly more violent, really needs more movies that involve a game where kids violently kill each other.

During a performance in the UK, Rihanna's wardrobe malfunctioned according to some media outlets. Although, I’m pretty sure this “malfunction” only revealed just as much skin, or less, as Rihanna’s attire normally does.

During a performance in the UK, Rihanna suffered from a wardrobe malfunction, which begs the question, “Was ‘Where Have You Been’ a song for a better costume designer?”

A study conducted by the University of Wisconsin found that the amount of time spent on Facebook is not linked to causing depression. The study's sample, however, did not include people who post song lyrics from Adele or “like” The Notebook and are listed as "single."

On July 18^th, the world will celebrate the first photograph ever that was posted on the internet. Fortunately, the picture was not of male genitalia or lolcats. Unfortunately, it is proof that the 90s need never return.

Alice Van Ness was fired from her job as a yoga instructor at Facebook’s Menlo Park campus. Van Ness discouraged the use of smart phones in her class. In Facebook’s defense, the firing is justifable, because students were unable to check-in to their location when updating their status to, “Totally focused on yoga. Learning the acrobatic half-moon pose. Namaste” while simultaneously uploading a photo.

Adam Lambert is reportedly a contender for a potential job as a judge on American Idol. I’m just glad the show’s getting back to its roots and finding a judge who will both wear a too-tight black T-shirt and behave in such a way that confuses people.

A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for breaking into a Subway restaurant and stealing bags of chips. Police found the man by following a trail of chips that he had dropped. In the man’s defense, he was really affected by the Hansel and Gretel episode of “Once Upon A Time.”

In Wisconsin, after a waitress brought a man a piece of cake on his birthday at the request of his friends to cheer him up, the man pulled a gun out and told them to “back up off me.” In the man’s defense, he was depressed because he just found out he has celiac disease.

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Writer's note: Apparently, I'm in a defensive mood this week.

Excuses, excuses.

You know my first ever post on this blog? No? Well, just scroll down an inch, and you can read it. You know how I said that the first post might be the last post I’d ever write, because I’m lazy? You do? Good. Well, it wasn’t my last post, but I only wrote four before going on an extended hiatus. Sure, I could make excuses, such as: “I realized I should go into a career with more stability like farming” or “I was studying abroad in London for three weeks,” or “My dog ate my computer,” or “I was taking time to reflect on my upcoming last year in college.” You know what, though? I’m just lazy.

Not “lazy” in a sense that I won’t ever do anything, ever, because I’d rather sit on the couch, watching TV, drinking syrupy beverages and eating salty snacks (although, that does sound like some sort of life I’d be interested in). More “lazy” in a sense that I want to do something, but get so overwhelmed at the amount of dedication it takes that I sort of fall out of doing it and that sitting in front of a TV is better—well, easier--and I can use the excuse that I can study the directing, cinematography, and dialogue of shows on a certain streaming service that I should have cancelled months ago.

I’m the type of person who tried to write in a diary when I was younger, wrote a few entries (four, maybe), and never opened it again. In fact, I had six or so diaries that I began, spread out across a decade or so. My problem, I thought, was that I didn’t have a cute enough diary—I’d invested in this hard bound journal, on which the cover was a golden retriever puppy, and I couldn’t bring myself to defile such a cute diary with pen or pencil. So, I got a “COMPOSITION” book (the black and white, army design un-spiraled notebook). I even got this really schnazy, electronic diary that only opened on the password I made up and to the sound of my voice. The only problem was that it was purple. Gross.

Long story short, I found out that it wasn’t the type of notebook I bought that kept me from filling its pages with countless, super-interesting happenings of the day (think: Dear Diary, today I managed to learn how to pop a front-wheelie on my bicycle).

Too bad I never consistently wrote in them, because I could be reading some gems right now.

But, you know what? I never had anything interesting to write. And, honestly, I don’t care about what the 6, 10, 14, or 16-year old version of me thought was important. I’m pretty sure I can remember that I thought Kevin from the Backstreet Boys was “HOTT” and that instant messaging was like, totally cool beans.

This isn’t to suggest that I have anything interesting to write in this time of day or that I’ll be reading them 10 years from now, reflecting on what I thought was funny or entertaining when I was 21 years old. But, I want to do it. And I’m going to do it--even if it takes two months between every four posts. By golly, I’m going to do it.

Now, where the hell is the remote?

Thought You Should Know -- May 7

Finals week is over, and summer has begun. This means, at least for the month of May, I will be posting on this blog more frequently (fingers crossed). Unfortunately, that does not mean the material will be any better. Here is a handful of jokes I came up with.

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The cat that became famous for weighing 39 pounds passed away on Saturday, May 5th. Apparently the cat had been used as a figure in the fight against pet obesity. Which begs the question, "Why couldn't the cat have been used as a model of pet weight loss?" Instead, they chose to continue feeding the cat whole milk, not skim.

A woman tweeted the amazing discovery that an iPad charger can be used as a bottle opener. So, if you're ever looking for something more expensive than a $2 bottle opener meant for this sort of thing, or a knife, or the side of a table, then go ahead and crack open your Miller Light with a $30 electronic.

A woman tweeted that she discovered that an iPad charger can be used as a bottle opener. So, the next time you're opening your Bud with a regular bottle opener, remember that you could be honoring Steve Jobs by opening your cheap beer with a revolutionary Apple product.

On Monday, May 7, Huffington Post posted a slideshow titled, "TV Redheads: The 19 Most Awesome Gingers." Denied titles include, "19 TV Characters Without Souls," "19 TV Characters You Want to Ask If Their Carpet Matches Their Drapes," and "19 TV Characters Whose Favorite Drink is Gingerale."

James Cameron announced that he is going to focus on making new Avatar movies--citing that he's making Avatar 2, Avatar 3, and maybe even Avatar 4. After this news, it is clear that Cameron is going to reach into other Disney storylines, because there is only one Pocahontas sequel. 

The Avengers did well in its opening weekend, pulling in 207 million dollars. So, rest well, nerds, knowing you have secured all top 5 spots in the biggest weekends at the box office.

Weekend Wits -- April 22

1) Selena Gomez stated that the most humiliating thing ever to happen to her was being shown on the Kiss Cam with boyfriend Justin Beiber.
2A) It seems to me that tripping upstairs or walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe would be more embarrassing than kissing your millionaire boyfriend.

or

2B)Wouldn't posting a video on YouTube for millions of viewers while dancing to Call Me Maybe be more humiliating than kissing your boyfriend?

In honor of Earth Day, I put my paper into the recycling. Turns out, there was food in the bin, so it all was thrown out anyways.

Bill O'Reilly took issue with Glee after this Tuesday's episode which featured a male to female transgender student and two cheerleaders making a sex tape together, saying that Glee encourages children to experiment in alternative lifestyles. What's more devastating is that since the first season, there has been a report about the increase in the amount of children experimenting with wheelchairs and argyle sweaters.

This week, Bill O'Reilly and his guest, Gretchen Carlson, discussed their idea that watching Glee episodes that contain gay and transgender students might encourage children to experiment with alternative lifestyles. Carlson stated, "Now I get to explain this to my 8-year-old, if I want her to see a nice family show with some nice music." Nice music? Apparently she never saw their renditions of Madonna songs.

In honor of Earth Day, the festivities of a residence hall's End of Little 5 celebration only wasted the amount of water to fill one dunk tank, all of the plastic and paper plates from the cookout, and the electricity that ran a bouncy bungee run that only about 20 people used--for four hours.

An Australian Target ad is either hiring models with three arms or Thing from The Addams Family is getting some work on the side of the musical. http://i.imgur.com/Xfc9c.jpg

Robin Gibb woke up from his coma after one week. His first words were, "Stayin' alive. ah-ah-ah-ah. Stayin' Aliiive."

A Wake Forest University research team found that the left-side of a face is typically more attractive than the right-side. Carried over to politics, one can generally say the same. The exception: Ronald Reagan.

In honor of Earth Day, everyone went on with their usual business, not realizing that today is Earth Day.